Bad Kitty Page 5
“What do you mean?”
“I know I’ve got a lot of issues, and I accept that. I’m screwed-up or whatnot, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t want to be better.” She ran fingers through her hair. “I want us to try, Caleb. For you to touch me, to kiss me, to hug me, to hold me. For us to be more than what we had. I should have said this a long time ago. I’ve been trying harder, but it was so easy to just … not change. I made every excuse, and I don’t want that. I never wanted that.”
His breathing seemed to be getting deeper the more words she said.
She nibbled her lip, not sure if she was saying it right.
“I understand if that’s not what you want.”
“You don’t know what I want, Kitty.”
“I want to be your everything,” she said. Tears filled her eyes. In all the years that she’d known him, never had she once allowed him to see what she craved. “I know I try to pretend that I don’t want to be touched or held or loved, but I do. I crave it more than anything. I hate that it has been taken from me and that the only kind of touch I can stand is when you’re causing me the pleasure and pain mixed together. I don’t want that. I don’t just want you to be my Dominant, Caleb. I want so much more that it makes me feel sick because I know deep down there’s a chance it may never happen, but I want this so much. I want to try. I want to make you happy, and for this to be about you, not just me.”
She pressed her hands to her face, hating how open she was being. This was all too much.
Suddenly, he was there, and she knew he wanted to hold her, but once again, she held herself back.
“Then we’ll try,” he said. “If you want to do this together, learn to be with each other, then I want that too.”
“You do?”
“Yeah, I do. More than anything.” He reached out as if to stroke her face. His knuckles were millimeters from her face, but he didn’t cross that barrier. He stayed perfectly still, neither of them moving.
Kitty couldn’t stand it anymore, so she slowly tilted her head to one side just to touch him, to feel his skin against her own, and it was amazing. They’d touched before in play, but she’d told him where to touch prior to any scene they’d done together. Tears filled her eyes, and she stared up at him as Caleb stroked back and forth over her cheek.
“We’ll get through this, Catherine Kite,” he said.
Kitty was so taken aback that her mouth fell open. “How do you know my name?”
“I know everything about you, Kitty Cat. It was a good name.”
She’d never told any of the club her name, and no one ever asked. She figured James knew as he paid all of her paychecks, but she didn’t know that Caleb was aware of it.
“I hate the name,” she said.
“I like it. It’s beautiful, like you.”
She snorted. “I’m not beautiful.”
“You are, Kitty.” He pulled his hand away, and she wished he hadn’t stopped. It was the first real touch that she’d not been repulsed by.
She hated more than anything that he still, after all this time, had the ability to win.
“I’m going to collect some stuff from outside. Start working on the varnish.”
Kitty didn’t know what to say, so she watched him leave. When the door closed, she placed her fingers against her cheek, marveling at how good it had really felt to have him touch her.
“Come on, sweetheart, you know you want this. You’re always such a good girl for me.”
“No!” She gritted her teeth, opening her eyes that had closed the instant a memory had come. “You’re not going to win this one.”
She had let him win every single time she had turned Caleb away. The hunger she felt for love and attention was because she’d been turning her back on it. No more. She wouldn’t be brought down by an invisible shadow anymore.
Standing up tall, she squared her shoulders.
“You can do this, Kitty. You’re not that girl anymore. You’re a woman in control of your own life. No one holds you in place anymore.”
Over and over, she repeated the words, and once she was done, she found that she could smile easier, knowing that she was the strong one.
Moving toward the window, she watched Caleb as he worked the paintbrush over the wood, his strokes evenly paced.
The muscles in his arm bulged, and she felt a tightening in her core.
Every other time there was a chance of them to become physical or more, she always found a reason to run and hide.
No more.
She was always aroused by Caleb.
He’d been the only man to break down her defenses, and even now as she watched him, she loved to see him. The paintbrush ran back and forth.
The aching inside her to be his everything consumed her.
The fire of need built within her into an inferno. She was tired of not being able to have what she wanted.
She had fallen in love with Caleb a long time ago, and it all started with a simple game of cards. She wondered if he even remembered it.
She did.
After the Dirty Fuckers MC had found her, nursed her back to health, they’d provided protection against the rest of the world. She’d been bored out of her mind. Scared in case he found her.
It didn’t matter how long she ran away for, he always knew where she was. She kept expecting him to enter a room any minute and to shatter her dreams, her illusions.
Only, he’d never come.
Caleb had been with her when the sound of doors opening constantly made her jump.
“You know, doors won’t hurt you,” Caleb said.
“It’s not the doors that scare me. It’s the people who enter.”
“Then know that anyone who enters this room who you don’t like, you just simply glare at them, and I’ll kill them.”
“You can’t do that.”
“Says who? Whoever put that look on your face, they have no right to live.”
The way he’d spoken, the words he said, they had struck a chord with her, and she’d known that no matter what, he would do everything in his power to protect her.
It was time for her to finally put the ghosts of her past to bed, and to allow her love for Caleb to shine through.
****
Caleb wasn’t a saint. He’d been with plenty of women in his lifetime, even after meeting Kitty. She wasn’t the first or only woman who had been in his bed. Focusing on the wood, he painted the brush back and forth, seeing the strength of the color shine back.
There had been a lot of filthy shit that he’d done.
Even as he thought about everything, all he could bring himself to remember was that damn touch. The kiss of her lips against his cheek. Simple stuff that to him meant fucking everything.
Damn it. He felt himself getting worked up, wanting more than one simple kiss. He wanted it all. To completely consume every single part of her. To love her for the rest of his life and never let her go.
He was aware of her watching him as well.
The little glimpses he got over his shoulder toward the window confirmed his suspicions that she was watching him.
After he’d done a good section of the porch, and the sun was starting to set, he made his way inside.
The scent of chicken, tomatoes, garlic, and spices hit him, and his mouth watered.
“I hope you’re hungry. I’ve made butter chicken, I think that’s what it’s called.” Kitty stood beside the table. He noticed the romantic setting, the candles, the wine, the soft music playing.
He also noticed her nerves.
“I thought you could only cook pancakes?”
“I could, and then I went online and started practicing, and living with Teri you pick up a few things. Skylar likes to talk about food all the time.” She smiled. “I feel nervous right now.”
He chuckled. “Why?”
“This is the first time we’ve had a date.”
“You consider this a date?”
“Don’t you?”
“You look great to me.” Her cheeks heated, and her gaze fell to the floor. He was completely blown away by her response, and he loved it.
This was a side of Kitty he’d never got to see before.
She pushed some hair off her face, and he noticed she’d changed into a summer dress. This one had thin straps that didn’t hide the evidence that she wore a yellow bra beneath. It fell to her knees, and he wanted nothing more than to pull her into his arms.
“I’ll wash my hands.”
Kitty nodded.
Heading to the bathroom, he washed his hands and face, staring at his reflection. “Do not, under any circumstances, fuck this up.”
This was a huge step for the both of them. The last thing he wanted to do was screw it up.
Smiling, he left the bathroom refreshed, and took a seat opposite her. She was pouring out the wine, and he checked the label, seeing it was in fact a non-alcoholic grape juice.
He couldn’t recall Kitty ever drinking or being drunk.
“I hope you don’t mind me cooking.”
“It beats sandwiches and noodles every single day.”
“You’ve been here two days.”
“And already I was starving,” he said.
Picking up his knife and fork, he leaned over his plate and sniffed the fantastic aromas.
Spearing a piece of chicken, he took a bite, aware of her watching him.
The flavors exploded on his tongue, and he closed his eyes, enjoying the taste. “That is fantastic,” he said, going in for another helping.
“Good.”
He watched as she ate, satisfied when she swallowed some down.
“I don’t like you not living at the club anymore,” he said.
“You don’t?”
“No. I like being able to keep an eye on you. Can’t do that with you away from me.” She nibbled her lip, and he saw the smile that made him ache for more. “What did I say?”
“You care,” she said. “I like that you care, and I feel so silly being happy about these small things.”
“I’m not. I love it,” he said.
“You don’t think it’s strange that I like how you care. How you worry about if I’m eating or not? If I have enough to drink. If I’m happy.”
“No. It’s what people do for each other.”
“I’ve watched Cora, Grace, Suzy, and Skylar all find love, and I’ve been amazed by how much … happier they seem. Does that make sense? To have someone care for them so badly that they’re happier?”
“I get it,” he said. “You want that as well?”
“I don’t want to be this weirdo that flinches when someone touches me. I hate that we’ve not had sex,” she said.
Okay, he wasn’t expecting that revelation.
“I’ve surprised you.”
She seemed to instantly withdraw, and he cursed.
“Yeah, you’ve just surprised me, but don’t stop,” he said. “I don’t want you to stop saying what you feel, how you feel.”
“But it’s stupid.”
“Not to me. It’s who you are, and it’s how you feel.”
He saw tears once again fill her eyes, and his gut tightened.
“I’m tired of being afraid. I don’t want to give him any more power. He has already taken so much away from me, Caleb, and I don’t want it anymore.”
Caleb knew who she was talking about.
“I’m going to fight this. I’m going to be the woman that can run into your open arms without fear.”
He placed his hand on the table, waiting for her to put her hand on top of his. “I know you will.” Even if Kitty didn’t think it, he knew she was one of the strongest women he’d ever known. He would be by her side every single step of the way.
She placed her hand on top of his, and he stared at it, closing his around hers, holding her, letting her know with his touch that he was there for her, and always would be.
****
Teri stood in the pantry, checking off items she would need next week for the rest of her cooking and serving week. Deliveries happened every single day, but Monday she always got her fresh produce as well as her meat deliveries, and she liked to make sure they were all correct so she made two lists to cross-check.
This drove the driver insane as she took her time. He’d once tried to give her produce that was out-of-date and moldy. Since then she made sure to check everything.
“You’re working late tonight,” Damon said, surprising her.
“I thought everyone had gone home.”
“I was just cleaning up the last of the tables.” His arms were folded as he leaned against the doorway, looking every bit his sexy self.
“I had no idea you were sticking around. I’d have made you coffee.”
“No need. Are you heading up to the clubhouse?” he asked.
“Not tonight. I’m going to finish these orders and then I’m heading back home. I’m tired, and I’m not in the mood for company. Not that I don’t mind you being here. You know what I mean.”
“You’re not in the sexy kind of mood?” Damon said with that sly smile she adored.
“I haven’t been in a sexy mood for some time, to be honest. Don’t look at me as if I’m strange.”
“I remember a time you thought you were addicted to sex,” he said.
“Yeah, having the guy you were sleeping with turn up with a wife, and then befriending the wife, and still doing it again, it kind of makes me feel a little sick inside.” She shook her head. Thinking about Dane, it made her feel ill. All of her life she promised herself she wouldn’t be that woman, and yet here she was, exactly that woman.
“Do you love Dane?”
“No.”
“That was fast,” Damon said.
She sighed and stared at him. “I thought I did. He was this guy so charismatic and charming. Of course, I was drawn in by the ink, leather jacket, and wicked smile. Not much has changed.”
“But you have.”
“I hate who I am. I look in the mirror, and I hate that I caused any kind of upset. Lucy deserved better. His kids did as well.”
“Is that why you have Ryan here?”
“He’s a good kid. I hope one day they can all forgive me.”
“You have been forgiven,” he said.
She tapped her pen against the board. “I guess we differ in opinion then. You’re always around whenever I’m feeling sad.”
“I guess I’m a glutton for punishment.”
She chuckled. “Let me make you that coffee.”
Chapter Five
Caleb was in the next room, and Kitty couldn’t get to sleep. Dinner had seemed like a giant step for her. Admitting what she wanted and even wished for had left her feeling torn open, confused, scared. Glancing at the clock, she saw it was a little after two in the morning. She hated when she couldn’t sleep.
Pushing the blanket off her body, she climbed out of bed, and made her way toward the kitchen. Turning the tap on, she poured herself some water and sipped it, staring out the window. There were some streetlights that illuminated the yard.
“Couldn’t sleep?”
She spun around to see Caleb standing near the fridge. “Have you been standing there this whole time?”
“No. I’m not that good at being hidden.” He laughed. “I heard you leave your room. It’s not comfortable?”
“Oh, it is. It’s just me. I’m a bit weird.” She crossed her eyes and smiled. Her cheeks heated as she realized what she’d done.
“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you do that before.”
She crossed her eyes again, and he laughed.
“Are you trying to flirt with me?” he asked.
“I have no idea what I’m trying to do. I think I’m a little weird right now.”
“Good for you I seem to like weird.” He opened the fridge and pulled out the milk cartoon. She gri
tted her teeth as she watched him drink out of it. “You want to yell at me right now.”
“No, I don’t.”
“Let’s have a rule while we’re here. No lying.”
She took a deep breath. “Okay, I totally do, but come on. Glasses are right there, and I washed them while you were painting the porch.”
“I was varnishing it.”
“Same thing,” she said.
Moving to his side, she reached up, taking a glass. “See, easy-peasy.”
“Very true.” He took the glass from her and still drank out of the carton.
She rolled her eyes and took a seat at the table.
“What kept you awake?” he asked, sitting opposite her.
“I was just thinking about everything and nothing. I’m not lying to you either.”
“What were you thinking about?”
“You. Me. Us. Him.” She ran a hand over her face.
“You can talk to me, you know,” Caleb said. “I won’t judge.”
She stared down at her hands, at the glass on the table in front of her. If she nudged her fingers forward it would spill over. She wasn’t ready. Not yet. She wanted to tell Caleb, to spill her soul to him, to let him know that there wasn’t anyone else in this world that she wanted more than she wanted him.
Kitty loved him, and had for a long while. Nothing was going to change that.
“Or how about a dance?” he asked.
“A dance?”
“Yes. If my memory serves me well and, seeing as I’m not that old, I imagine it does, you used to love a good dance.”
She smiled and nodded. “We don’t have any music though.” She watched Caleb as he moved over to the stereo and turned it on. Classical music filled the room.
“It’s late, and we don’t have any neighbors, Kitty. Come on.”
Getting to her feet, she made her way toward him. He shuffled from side to side, shaking his hands up and down.
Putting a hand to her mouth, she laughed. He looked sexy and silly.
The combination never failed to make her smile.
“Come on, dance with me.”
She didn’t just want to stand in front of him and sway to the music. Closing that distance to him, she grabbed his hand.
“I want to dance with you,” she said.