Killer in Him Read online

  She shook her head. “You don’t even get it.”

  “Get what?”

  “No one is going to replace you. I love you, and I know it’s going to kill me. I’m not going to find anyone else.” She tapped his chest and stepped away from him. Moving toward the picnic, she stared at the array of food, finding it a complete waste.

  Ben joined her seconds later, and together they packed away the remnants of their date.

  Nothing would ever take this moment away from her. Ben had taken her from everything that she had known, and one day soon she was going to have no choice but to go back to that life. He’d stepped into her world and sent it into a spin, and now he expected her to handle whatever life could throw at her. There was no chance of that ever happening.

  He carried the basket, and she held onto the blanket as they made their way back toward his mansion. The island was their own. They were the only two there, and yet, it felt like they were separated by more than a few inches.

  ****

  Two weeks later

  From that picnic there had been a countdown. Ben had known it was coming, just like Joy had. Their time together had an expiration date, just like a loaf of bread. Joy wouldn’t turn him in. She had already admitted to him that she no longer blamed him. Joanne, or Lindsay, had been corrupt, and she had hurt a lot of people. He believed Joy. What they shared, it was fucked up, but it was theirs. Crap. He stared at his woman, just as she looked back at him. Both of them knew the alarm had gone off, and it was time to go home.

  Flicking his phone shut, he swallowed past the lump in his throat, but he didn’t say anything, simply staring at Joy.

  Neither of them spoke, the silence saying all that needed to be said, and it tore him apart. Joy licked her lips, and she was the first to look away.

  He broke the silence. “I’ve got to make a call.”

  “That was another job?” she asked, stunning him that she actually spoke back.

  “It’s another job. If there’s anything you want to take back home with you, get it ready.”

  She stood up, and he saw the tears once again in her eyes. “Why don’t you just stop?”

  “Stop?”

  “Don’t take another job. You said so yourself, there are plenty of people out there who will take your place.”

  “I lied.”

  She flinched. “What?”

  “I lied. I was the only one to take on Joanne. No one else would do the job. I’m damn good at what I do, and I come highly recommended.”

  “Why are you telling me this? Do you want me to cry, and to beg?”

  “No. I want you to understand that I’m not going to change. This is who I am. I’m a killer, Joy. I take lives.”

  “Stop!” She was sobbing now.

  The last two weeks, even after the truth of the picnic had come out, had been sheer bliss for him. He spent every waking moment with Joy. They took long walks, spent time in the pool, made love, fucked, and repeated everything they shared together again.

  He grabbed her arms, holding her close. “I’ve lost count of the number of men and women I’ve killed. I’ve shot them, cut them, and watched them bleed. Part of my training was using torture, and I did it. I relished the sound of their screaming.”

  “Stop!”

  “This is what you want to spend the rest of your life with, Joy? I’m a killer. I could stop, but one day soon, I’d have to answer that call. I do not want to settle down. I don’t want to have a kid, and I don’t want to be in love.”

  “Who are you trying to convince?” she asked. “Me, or yourself? If you’re such a ruthless killer, then kill me.” She pulled out of his arms and turned. “Kill me. Take my life, and get it over with.”

  He shook his head. “I’m not going to do it.”

  “Then why can’t you pick me over them? You love me, you said you love me. If you truly did, you’d pick me.”

  Ben had to break her heart. There was nothing else he could do. She wasn’t going to listen. Pressing his head against hers, he closed his eyes, and took some deep breaths. For a split second he saw a future with her without the killing, without his own job. Even as he thought it, he knew it wouldn’t last.

  This was in his blood.

  “I guess I don’t really love you then, Joy.”

  She deflated.

  All life ebbed out of her.

  “This has been fun, Joy. Like all good things, it has to come to an end.”

  He moved away from her, heading back into the room.

  “I’m not going to go to the police.”

  “I know you’re not. You promised me you wouldn’t, and I know you won’t break it.”

  “Why?” she asked.

  Ben turned to look at her, feeling like an absolute bastard. She looked totally destroyed. “You love me, and you saw the truth of what Joanne did. If you were going to call the police you would have done it when I left my phone with you while I took a shower. You only looked up some trailers on my phone. You didn’t even type in the number to call for the cops.”

  She sniffled.

  He had no choice but to walk away.

  Ben spent the next hour arranging a private flight, and organizing everything for his next kill. This was between two mafia enemies, and he was expected to take out a brother of one of the families. It was easy to do. He had the details, and a deposit within his account.

  The man he was going to kill wasn’t a good person. He was a known wife beater, and an exploiter of women. The man had raped the daughter of his enemy, so he was on the shit list to be killed.

  Like so many, there was a story.

  He listened as Joy came in, but she didn’t come looking for him. She made her way upstairs, and that was when he no longer heard her.

  After booking his hotel room, he also moved some money into Joy’s account so that she no longer had to worry about finding a guy to rent a room from her.

  “Joy, are you ready?” he asked, two hours later.

  She came downstairs, wearing a white dress and carrying nothing. None of her clothes, none of her shoes, nothing.

  “You’re not taking anything?”

  “None of it is mine to take.” She looked down at her body. “I’m going to keep the dress if that is okay.”

  “You can take everything.”

  “I don’t want it. I don’t want to remember a single moment of our time together. You’re right. I won’t go to the cops. Joanne, she had what was coming to her. We were just a moment that shouldn’t be remembered.”

  “What about your diary?”

  “It’s not mine.” She moved past him, going out the front doors. “When is the plane coming?”

  He checked his watch, saw it was ten minutes away, and told her so.

  For several minutes they stood in simple silence.

  “I put some money in your account. I don’t want you taking on any more renters.”

  “That’s not your decision. Keep your money. I don’t want it.”

  “Be serious, Joy.”

  “I am being serious. I don’t want your money. I can do what I want with my life.”

  “Do you know how easy it was? I could have killed you and been gone before anyone found your body.”

  “Like we’ve both discovered, you’re good at that. Not everyone is a killer like you.”

  He touched her back, and she jumped away from him. “Joy?”

  “No, I don’t trust you. This was your chance to get away, to start over. You’re making this choice now, not anyone else. You could walk away, right now. You own a freaking island, Ben!”

  Staring at her, seeing the passion shining in her eyes, he knew he couldn’t deny it.

  “You’re just going to walk away from this. I know I’m not the perfect woman. I’m not slender, and I’ve got my faults, but I love you. I’m willing to look forward, not back. Please, Ben. What do you have to lose?”

  Gritting his teeth, he stared at her, knowing she spoke the truth, but there was no
way for him to walk away from the life.

  Cupping her cheek, he tilted her head back, and he just couldn’t deny it any more. Pulling her in close, he claimed her lips, sealing their last day together. Sliding his tongue into her mouth, he enjoyed the last few moments alone with her. He already heard the sound of the helicopter coming in. He held her tightly, refusing to let go.

  Only when the helicopter touched down did he pull away.

  “Ben?”

  “I’m taking you back home.”

  She sobbed his name, and he walked away. Climbing into the helicopter, he reached down for her. Tears fell down her cheeks, and still he ignored her. He’d already arranged to have a cleaning team come by and deal with his home. In time he’d come back, but he doubted it would be any time soon.

  Joy stared out of the window, wiping underneath her eyes.

  All it would take was a few words to the pilot to turn around, and he could be living that life with her.

  The temptation was strong, and his cell phone buzzed.

  Opening it up, he saw there was already a second job waiting for him. There were bad people in the world. He wasn’t the only kind of killer out there, but he was the best. Ben had trained to be the best, and turning his back on that life, it wasn’t for him. His foster family hadn’t defined who he was. Years of training, of accomplishments had defined who he was. No one was going to change him, not Joy, not his work, nothing.

  During the whole ride back to city, he tried to convince himself that what he was doing was the right thing to do.

  Time passed, and he couldn’t resist watching Joy. With each second that passed, they got nearer her life, the one he wanted her to have.

  He could live alone, knowing that she was going to find someone else.

  Ben ignored the kick to the gut, the jealousy, because someone had to be better than him. Even as he thought it, he didn’t believe it.

  Chapter Nine

  One week later

  Joy stared at her laptop at her diary entries, and she hated them. They reminded her of a life she once had, when she was stupid, and naive to the world. It had been a month, and even though the police had come to interview her, nothing else had come of it. They wanted to know why her package was at her neighbor’s, and where she had been. She gave them a story. Her roommate had become more in a short time, and she had left to go on vacation with him. Their romance hadn’t lasted, and she’d come home, while he stayed away.

  The tale was easy to tell because that was all that happened. They left her at her house, and hadn’t come back since.

  Ben had dropped her off over a week ago, and even now, she was sure she still felt his gaze on her. It wasn’t the truth. She hated it. There were many times that she would stop, looking around the street only to find it empty. Ben had left, and he’d taken part of her along with him.

  Life had gotten back to normal. She was no longer in the mailroom at work, and had been promoted to a receptionist. She was taking life one day at a time. The only difference in her small world was the lack of Ben, and also the lack of Joanne. She had gone from having someone, to having nothing.

  Deleting the diary, she slammed her laptop closed and placed it on the sofa. Once that was done, she walked upstairs toward Ben’s room. He hadn’t taken away his stuff, and there were times she found herself sat in his room, staring around.

  Opening the door, she folded her arms and leaned against the doorframe, staring into his space. Everything still smelled like him.

  Running her fingers through her hair, she snapped. Grabbing a box, she started to pick up his crap and throw it in the box. When one was filled, she carried it down to her car, storing it in the trunk. Moving back inside, she got several large sacks, and after three to four visits, she’d emptied out most of his crap.

  Filling up the car, she slammed the trunk down, and found Mrs. Riley walking her dog.

  “Hello, Mrs. Riley,” she said, locking up her front door.

  “Oh dear, what’s the matter, honey?” her friendly neighbor asked. Mrs. Riley was in her sixties, and had a little pug, which she walked constantly. Before the whole vacation, and mess with Ben, Joy would go walking with her, but she hadn’t since she came back.

  “What?”

  “You’re crying.”

  Touching her cheek, Joy frowned. “I, erm, I didn’t even know I was crying.”

  “Does this have anything to do with that handsome young man who was living with you?”

  Just thinking about Ben and she was leaning against her car, crying. “I’m so sorry.” None of them knew what he was or what had happened between them. “It’s nothing. I’m just being silly.”

  “Sometimes men don’t understand what they do to us.”

  “No, they don’t.” She wiped her face and gave Mrs. Riley a quick hug.

  “It will get easier. I wish I could impart some words of wisdom, but the truth is, there’s nothing I can say to make it easier. Life is hard, and the men we fall for are even harder. Our life is paved with uncertainty.”

  Joy nodded. “Yeah, life sucks. I think I should start making shirts or cups.”

  “There would be a lot that agreed.” Mrs. Riley tapped her cheek. “I’m going to leave you to what you were doing.”

  She watched her neighbor walk past her car, and just as she was about to climb in, Mrs. Riley turned. “I’ve heard the best way to get over a man is to get under a new one. I know I’m supposed to be all prim and proper, but you’re a good woman, Joy. Find another man to help you get over this one.”

  “I’ll think about it.” There was no way she was going to be looking for a new guy. She couldn’t get over Ben, and she had no intention of getting over him by using someone else. She wasn’t built that way.

  Climbing into the car, Joy took it one moment at a time. She took Ben’s things to the charity store, leaving the boxes with the guy running the shop. Once her car was empty, she went back and started to dismantle the bed with a hammer. She was happy it was her weekend off, and she was going to attempt to put some order to her life.

  Work was work, and it distracted her from life. She didn’t watch television as every single murder case she had to wonder if Ben was responsible for it.

  Time would heal all wounds, and she hoped that time would heal her own.

  Taking the old bed to the trash heap, she then stopped off at a DIY store, getting paint. The whole weekend, she spent trying to rid Ben from her life. It was cathartic, and it seemed to work, at least for a couple of days.

  ****

  Fall was closing in, and so was the colder weather. Joy couldn’t go anywhere without a coat, so she made her way toward the back staffroom to grab her belongings. It was the end of the day, and like everyone else, she wanted to get home. She hadn’t done much with the now empty bedroom. She had been testing out paint to see which one suited the room.

  Glancing over at the calendar, she made a note of how long it had been since she last saw Ben. Four weeks and three days since he’d left her at her home, tearing her world apart.

  Of course, she was making a life for herself.

  Wrapping a scarf around her, she started to make her way toward the front of the building when the sound of her name made her stop, looking behind her.

  Charlie, the man who had moved her up from the posting mail to being on the front desk, was making his way toward her.

  “Is everything okay?” she asked.

  “Everything is good. I just wanted to see if you’re settling into your new post as a receptionist.” He wore a long jacket that went down to his calves, and he was also holding a briefcase.

  “It’s, erm, great.” She didn’t mind going through the mail, and then posting it to the people who needed it. There wasn’t much of a pay difference, but what made the job worth it was the fact she didn’t have to waste her time thinking about Ben. She was always so busy that he rarely invaded her thoughts.

  “That’s great. So I was wondering if you have plans Friday
night.”

  “Plans? No, I don’t think so.” She frowned. Charlie was a good looking man, a nice man, the kind of man a woman settled down with. A couple of the women had their eye on him. He was a rare keeper in the corporate world.

  “I was wondering, if you would do me the honor of accompanying me to dinner. I know a little Italian place. It’s quaint and sweet, and the food is to die for.”

  “Is this some kind of business meeting? Have I done something wrong?”

  “What? No. Crap, I’m going about this all wrong.” He cleared his throat. “I like you, Joy, and I know you recently went on vacation with another man, but I also heard that you’re no longer with him.”

  There had been a lot of rumors about her seeing as she didn’t come back looking any happier.

  “Charlie, I appreciate the offer, I really do. I’m just not in a good place right now.”

  “Then how about we do this as friends?”

  “You deserve someone who is not trying to get over some other guy,” Joy said.

  “There was someone else.”

  “Fleetingly, there was someone else, and with all fleeting things, it’s now over. It’s really confusing. I don’t want you to get the wrong message.”

  Charlie held his hand out. “No, I’m not going to get the wrong message. Dinner, and I’ll even let you pay to show I’m not going to try to do something else. We can pay for our own meal, talk, get to know each other, and see where it goes.”

  Joy laughed. Charlie was a nice man.

  “Okay, sure, why not?”

  “That’s a yes?”

  “Yes, I’d like to go to dinner with you at the little Italian place, as friends.”

  Charlie let out a breath, and she found herself smiling. Maybe, she could do this.

  ****

  “You look absolutely stunning,” Charlie said.

  Joy smiled and sat down in the chair as he tucked her under the table. He had picked her up in his car, and they had driven straight to the restaurant. It was a sweet little family place, and she recalled ordering a few times from them.