... and Forever (Next Generation: Chaos Bleeds Book 1) Read online

  “Can you?”

  “Yes.”

  He stared at her, driving her crazy. In some way or another, he always tried to protect her. She understood it but hated it at the same time. Nibbling on her lip, she waited.

  “I believe Lash and Devil scrubbed the place clean. There will be no evidence of Ryan ever existing.”

  “What about the club?”

  His gaze moved past her shoulder.

  “Don’t. I’m not fucking stupid. You said so yourself. I’ve been here before, right? I know you don’t just kill someone and everything is okay. Tell me. Now.”

  Anthony turned his back, his hand running through his hair. She knew he was pissed.

  “They made a deal with the Dogs to stop an all-out war.”

  She gasped. “You’re wrong.”

  “I’m not wrong.”

  She shook her head.

  “They did that. He was part of their fucking club.”

  “I know.” Glancing toward the stairs, Daisy didn’t know what to say. “This is going to kill her.”

  “It won’t. I’ll fix it.”

  “How? How can you fix it?”

  “One day, I will.” He went to Daisy, cupped her face, and slammed his lips down on hers. She knew he had no choice but to kiss her. If he didn’t, he was likely to go and find the sons of bitches who hurt their best friend and take them on one by one. Or knowing Anthony, he’d take on the whole club without even thinking.

  Chapter One

  Five years later

  Tabitha glanced down at her cell phone and cursed.

  “I’ve got to go,” she said, getting to her feet. She felt Angel’s, Daisy’s, and Darcy’s eyes on her. Way too much attention for her liking.

  They were all at The Skulls’ main clubhouse. Angel had offered to organize some kind of potluck, helping to raise money for the school to go on a trip.

  “You need to go?”

  “Yes, I’m needed.” She pulled her satchel over her head, resting it across her chest, and lifted her head. All three women looked nervous. “What?”

  “Nothing,” Angel said. “It’s just, we wanted you to have fun today.”

  “I did have fun. Lots of super fun.” She forced a smile to her lips. “Duty calls though.” Without waiting for one of them to offer her company, she moved through the clubhouse that had changed so much in the last five years.

  Since graduation, Anthony had become glued to Lash’s side, working with his father in improving The Skulls’ position. They owned more businesses within Fort Wills that had also expanded out to the city. Their time of dirty deals, deaths, and bullshit was long and truly over.

  Tabitha rubbed at her chest, hating the way her thoughts were going. It was impossible for her to even think of the time when The Skulls had nothing but enemies, she’d have been happier. Simon wouldn’t have had to leave because her family, even Chaos Bleeds, would have supported him. She wouldn’t be all alone. These moments were what she hated. The thoughts she couldn’t turn off.

  Gritting her teeth, she counted to ten inside her head.

  One, two, three, four, five…

  “Tabs, wait,” Daisy said, catching her attention.

  She stopped and turned to look at her friend. There was no denying it, Daisy had been a rock to her.

  “What’s up?” she asked.

  “You don’t … let me come with you.”

  “It’s nothing bad. I can handle this.”

  “I know you’re doing this all alone and you don’t want or need my help. I get it. I do. But you’re not alone.”

  “I’m very much aware of how not alone I am.” She forced a smile to her lips. “I’ve got you. I’ve got all the guys. Miles. The club. Believe me, I’m completely surrounded by how not alone I am.” There were times she felt guilty because she believed they were trying to smoother her. They were constantly trying to show her how important she was, how she belonged to them.

  “Do you want to be alone? Is that what you’re saying?”

  “Daisy, just go back inside. We both know that’s where you want to be.” She went to turn away.

  “That’s unfair. You don’t think I understand? Life handed you a shit deal and you’ve been coping the best way you can, but that doesn’t mean you get to blame it on me.”

  “I’m not blaming it on you.” She growled out each word. “Damn it. Does it ever occur to you that I don’t want to be part of some stupid potluck organization? That I don’t want to have to deal with all of this crap? You’re worried about me. Fine. Do me a favor and stop. I mean it. Just stop. I’m not you. I didn’t get my happily-ever-after. You did. Right now, you’re living the life that was always supposed to be yours, right? You’ve got the mother-in-law, the title.”

  “Stop it.”

  “Stop trying to turn me into you,” Tabitha said. “I’m not like you. I will never be like you.”

  “I hate this. I’m trying so hard. You think I don’t see you dying inside? That I haven’t seen it all this time? I’ve watched you for five years and it kills me.”

  “Then stop looking. Stop trying.”

  “Tabs, please.”

  She tried to walk away. Clenching her hands into fists, she turned back to her best friend. Daisy was one of her favorite people in the whole world. Darcy had been as well, but there was a bigger age gap between them. Also, Darcy had married Ink, who was much older and she’d become an old lady. In her mind, she and Daisy were part of the new generation of Skulls. Darcy was the old.

  Even still, watching them all with their happy lives. Their men. Their perfect families. She loved them all dearly but that didn’t stop the envy.

  “You got what you always wanted, Daisy. I’m happy for you. It wasn’t supposed to be this way for me and I know you all get tired of hearing about it. I don’t want to be that person anymore. Just leave me the fuck alone. Go back to your perfect life, and let me go.”

  This time, Daisy didn’t call her back. She wasn’t stopped as she left the gate of the clubhouse.

  Being a Skull was in her blood, but the moment Simon walked away, with each passing day she got further away from who she was, who she used to be. Nothing made much sense to her.

  Keeping her hands clenched, she walked into town, not stopping, not waving at anyone. So many people knew her and she’d grown up being part of Fort Wills that it was impossible to be left alone.

  Was that why she never left?

  Why she didn’t go to Piston County?

  Lexie, Simon’s mother, had offered her a place to stay many times. Had even given the suggestion of her actually living in her own place.

  She was torn.

  Deep in her soul, she wasn’t a Skull anymore. Hadn’t been for a long time. She still attended all the necessary picnics and parties, the family get-togethers, but something was missing. Something had been missing the past couple of years and she wasn’t an idiot. She knew what it was.

  Simon.

  He’d ridden off into the night, leaving her behind, and rather than being able to find herself again, she’d lost everything.

  He was just gone.

  You’re also angry.

  All the fucking time.

  She didn’t think about her anger. There was no point. It never helped her. It didn’t get her anywhere. All her anger did was feed the beast within and that was never good.

  The last thing she wanted to feel was the anger, especially with where she was going.

  She clenched and loosened her fists, trying to gain composure again.

  Picking up the pace, she held the handle of her bag and pounded out her anger. The tears were so close to the surface, but she sucked them right back inside. There was no time for tears, not for her.

  They were pointless. Useless.

  Taking deep breaths, she saw the building up ahead and picked up her pace. She also made sure not to look miserable. Turning her frown into a smile, she pushed all of her thoughts to the back of her mind. By the time she arr
ived at the reception desk, she was a little out of breath but she gained control quite easily. That was what all the power walking did for her. No matter what she did, she was able to gain control.

  Always had to be.

  No one wanted to hear about her sad little story or how she struggled.

  “I’m here to pick up Nathan,” she said.

  “I’m here.”

  She glanced toward the chairs and immediately went to him. “I’m here, sweetie.”

  “It hurts, Mommy.”

  “I know, baby.” She caught him as he threw himself at her. Holding him tight, she cupped the back of his head and picked him up.

  The receptionist at the desk got her to sign a form for taking him out of school early.

  Carrying Nathan out of the school, she didn’t look back.

  “You never told me this morning you were feeling poorly.” She kissed his cheek, rubbed his back, and tried to offer him comfort. Nothing she did seemed to help him though.

  “I know. I didn’t. I felt great but it started to hurt in class and Miss Andrea said I was just being a baby. That big boys don’t complain. How you might be busy.”

  Tabitha was even more pissed now than ever before. “You don’t listen to her. If you ever feel sick, you come straight to me. You call me. I will always be waiting. Always.” She kissed his cheek again, blowing a raspberry on his cheek.

  “I love you, Mommy.”

  “I love you too, sweetheart. So, so much.”

  Nathan had been a surprise. There was always a risk. On one of the last times with Simon, the condom they’d used had broken. Not long after, she’d been attacked by Ryan. Gritting her teeth, she forced her thoughts elsewhere. Whenever she was with Nathan, she refused to allow bad memories to come forward. It wasn’t Nathan’s fault.

  Finding out she’d been pregnant had come as a shock. There had even been talks of ending the pregnancy. There was an equal chance between Simon and Ryan being the father. She’d gotten her son tested years ago. The piece of paper was still in the envelope. Unread. She hadn’t opened it. Hadn’t wanted to know the answer.

  Her son was her baby.

  Her boy.

  She didn’t care about his father.

  Ryan was rotting in hell and Simon, well, he was doing his little repentance or whatever the fuck it was. She couldn’t even give him the energy of thinking what it could be that he did that was useful.

  He’d ridden away.

  Asshole.

  Carrying him toward Millie’s place, she opened the door. The young woman looked up and her smile turned into a frown.

  “Oh, no, is everything okay?”

  “It’s fine,” Tabitha said. “He’s feeling a little sick and so I figured I’d pick up what I ordered before I headed home.”

  “Yes, of course.” Millie turned and quickly headed into the back of the shop. Millie was one of the club women and was married to Baker. A lovely woman, kind and sweet.

  Nathan wriggled in her arms and she let him down to go ahead and play.

  She loved to watch her son enjoying all the toys and gifts the shop had to offer. He was the one and only joy within her world.

  A couple of minutes later, Millie came out of the back, carrying a large bag. Tabitha’s phone rang, interrupting them.

  “Can I take this?”

  “Sure. The signal in here is bad. You might want to take it outside. Don’t worry about him, I’ll take care. Nathan and I are good buddies.”

  “Of course. Thank you.” Pressing the phone to her ear, she stepped out the door. “What’s up, Mom?”

  Glancing at her watch, she saw it had been exactly a half an hour since she left the clubhouse and only now her mother called. Eva was certainly getting sloppy.

  “I wanted to check up on you. See how you’re doing.”

  “I’m fine. Nathan’s fine.” Tabitha rubbed her head, feeling the beginning of a headache. Her family, she loved them, she did, but they were always hovering. Expecting her to have some meltdown crisis.

  She’d been fine for the past five years. She would continue to be fine. There was no reason for them to stress about it. Freaking out, breaking down, was not part of who she was.

  “Oh, well, if you want, I can take Nathan.”

  “It’s fine. He just wants me. Thank you though.”

  “I thought you were looking forward to helping with the fair. You know it’s important.”

  She took a deep breath. “Actually, Mom, you wanted me to help. I didn’t sign up for it. I will go, spend some money, you know, do the right thing and all, but that’s about it.”

  Silence met her answer.

  “I assumed again, didn’t I?” Eva asked, groaning.

  Everyone did.

  The one good thing about having your heart broken, stomped on, and rubbed in the dirt was that everyone around you assumed they knew the perfect solution to all of your problems. No one listened.

  No one paid attention.

  Assumptions.

  Pushing you in whatever direction they want to go.

  Never fucking listening.

  “It’s fine.” And like so many times before, rather than be pissed about it, she accepted it. This was her family.

  She’d been hurt in one of the worst possible ways, and then there was Nathan. When he was first born, Tiny, her father, wouldn’t even look at him. In fact, the first time she took him to The Skulls’ clubhouse, no one would even offer to hold him.

  Now, that wouldn’t usually bother her.

  Possible stinky diaper to change and all that, but she’d seen the guys and the old ladies, even some of the club sluts, they loved to help out. To hold babies, to love them.

  Not hers.

  No one had touched hers until Angel had come out of the kitchen, holding a large lemon cake, which she shoved into Lash’s arms, and immediately went to her, holding Nathan, kissing his head.

  In fact, Angel had sat beside her the entire day, held Nathan, changed his diaper. The next little event after that, everyone had taken a turn in holding her son. She didn’t know what Angel had done, but it had helped her a great deal. The only problem was the damage had already been done. They had already shown their true colors.

  Since then, little by little, month after month, her feelings for The Skulls had broken down.

  They were no longer perfect.

  Family was who they accepted. Nathan, no matter the fucking father, was her blood. No one was going to change that, but they hadn’t accepted him. After everything she’d been through, they could have at least given her this. Since then, it was like the happiness had been slowly withering and dying.

  Pulling out of her thoughts, she tuned back in to Eva.

  “Well, there’s this spa event that all of us ladies are going to.”

  “Look, Mom, no. Okay? No spa day. No helping out with the charity events. I do have a full-time job.” Of all the places for her to work, she’d decided to apply at the library. With a sudden influx of investment, the library had expanded, adding in a computer room, more books, even rooms for conferences. They’d needed more people to help run the place, and she’d signed up. Put her name on the dotted line, got a call, and had been working there for the past three years. Before that, she’d bounced from job to job at The Skulls’ many businesses.

  Her parents had told her she didn’t need to work. How she could go to college while they’d take care of Nathan for her. The same people who hadn’t even held her son. It had all been Angel. There was a time she truly believed Angel was weak, but now she saw the truth. Angel’s kindness wasn’t a weakness, it was a gift.

  On the school front, she was in the process of taking a few courses at the local college, slowly getting her degree in English. Until then, she was happy to be around books. She loved books so much. They didn’t talk back to her, unless she got audio, but she didn’t listen to them. Once she was done with them, she could close them up, take them back. Her job was amazing. Nathan also happened to lo
ve going there, especially to the children’s section when she had to work late.

  The new building ran until ten at night. He’d often be curled up with the soft toys, and she’d carry him home.

  “I know. I know. It’s just, you’re taking a short vacation.”

  “I’m not, Mom. This is my day off.” That reminded her, she’d have to call them and ask about a couple of sick days so she could care for Nathan. “Look, is there anything you need? I want to get Nathan home.”

  “Where are you?”

  “I stopped off at Millie’s, why?”

  “Oh, you didn’t go straight home.”

  “You know I’d ordered the board game he wanted. This will make him feel better.” Her patience hit an all-time low. “I’ve got to go. Talk to you soon.” She hung up the phone, pressing both hands to her head to try to alleviate the headache already getting to the point of making her head explode. If she got out of this alive, it would be a miracle.

  I can do this.

  Her cell phone started to ring again and she immediately put it to vibrate.

  “Funny seeing you here.”

  Hearing Luke’s voice made her tense. Lash had organized some kind of deal with the Monster Dogs and every now and then, one of their crew would arrive in town. Most of the time, it was Luke, which wasn’t a welcome sight. All it ever made her feel was anger at what she’d lost.

  “What the fuck are you doing here?” she asked.

  Luke had always been nice to her. Ever since the truth of her pregnancy, he’d been the perfect gentleman.

  She hated him.

  “I’ve come to pick up a few things. A couple of the guys at the club, their kids’ birthdays—”

  “And you’re being perfect, right?”

  “I know you don’t like me, but I’m trying here.”

  “No, you’re not. You’re not trying. You need to leave this town and stop coming here.”

  “I know this is hard for you.”

  She laughed. “No, you don’t have a fucking clue what this means to me.”

  Luke looked toward the shop and she followed his gaze to see Nathan hugging a cuddly toy. Whenever he did that, it meant he was in pain and trying to be a big brave boy. “If you excuse me, I’ve got to go.”