Love My Pain (Cape Falls Book 6) Read online

  “I don’t need to talk to someone.”

  “I will make sure that you do.”

  Did she really want to go back to that way of life?

  He had been sweet, charming, and she had loved every second of his company, but she had always wanted more. To a point, she found herself feeling greedy. She wanted him so badly. She didn’t want to go back to what she did. The cutting, it didn’t help anything, not really. Even as she understood it, she couldn’t help the feeling that she needed it.

  “I’m in.”

  Chapter Four

  Edward stood at the door to his basement, or what he liked to think of it as, his pleasure dungeon. Before the house had been fitted with furniture he’d made sure this room was perfect. Being a Dom was in his blood. It was what he relished, what he craved. Right now, he wanted Isabel more than anything else in the world.

  The moment they had entered their home, she had gone to get her kit. She had never used his knives to cut, and he recalled a small kit when she had done it in the bathroom.

  When he heard her feet on the floor, he tensed up, waiting.

  She rounded the kitchen, and he saw her nibbling that lip once again. Her hands were shaking as she held the kit out to him.

  “This is what you use?”

  “Yes.”

  The box was small. It looked like a trinket box. It was slender, thin, and completely used, showing the age.

  “How long?” he asked.

  “Since I was thirteen.”

  That was a long fucking time to be cutting. Holy shit. This was like her Bible right now, her lifeline, and she was handing it over to him. She really wanted this, and when he looked into her eyes, he saw the strength inside them.

  “No one else knew?” he asked.

  She shook her head. “Not even Sophie.”

  “How? She lived with you.”

  “It wasn’t something I advertised. You were the first person, and only because I didn’t shut and lock the door properly. I protected Sophie. She didn’t need to see what I did, and it was no one else’s business. I don’t feel comfortable with this, with any of this.”

  He reached out, stroking a finger down her cheek. “I know, and that fact you’ve given this to me, it means a lot, and I promise you, you won’t regret it.”

  “Okay.”

  Edward watched as she stared at the box, and he saw the yearning inside her. Opening the door to his pleasure dungeon, he instructed her to lead the way. The light was already turned on, and he followed behind her, watching.

  When the entered the large space, he watched as she stood, frozen.

  His room was dark red with black furniture. He liked the basic feel inside his pleasure room. There was a small window right in the top corner that allowed in some light. He also had curtains to make sure everything was dark, like it was now. He liked privacy, but he also liked the free flow of air.

  “Now, we have not entered any real agreement so you may be exactly as you are.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “If we reach an agreement with each other, me as your Dom, and you as my submissive, I will require certain things from you. Important things.”

  “Like what?” she asked.

  “When we want to come here and play, I will demand that you present yourself to me in a submissive pose. To begin you can be dressed, but in time I’d like you to be completely naked, on your knees, thighs slightly open, and your hands with your palms up. Your head can be bowed, and when you’re in that position I would like you think about me, and what I want you to do, pleasing me.”

  “I can do that.”

  “My focus will be on pleasing you, Isabel. This is not a one-way street here. My mission will be to give you pleasure, to bring more love, joy, and structure to your life.”

  “Structure?” she asked, looking confused.

  “Yes. Whenever you have the need to hurt yourself, to cut, whatever you want to call it, you need to get in touch with me. I’m arranging for a phone to be delivered here by tomorrow morning. You will have my number, and all the ways of getting in contact with me. If you can’t get in contact with me, you will phone any of the numbers I have provided. They will know what you need, and I will be the one to provide it.”

  “You told them about me?”

  “It was hard not to. I’m new to this, Isabel. I’ll make mistakes, as will you. From this day forward, no more cutting.”

  “I can do that.” She was rubbing her hands together, and Edward took hold of both of them.

  “I have whips, chains, dildos, clamps, floggers, canes, you name it. I can bring you pleasure and pain, but only if you want it.”

  “And if I don’t?”

  “Then it will stop. I don’t do safewords. Just tell me no, and I will stop.”

  She nodded. “This is all … so much.”

  “It’s a lot to deal with. You have my permission to use the club, and to ask all of the submisives, even the Dominants there for help. I will ask them to provide you with whatever information you need.”

  She held onto his hands tightly. “I like this. I saw some videos on the net. I don’t know how accurate they were. Some of the stuff was a little hardcore.”

  “It can be. This is just you and me, easy stuff. Don’t stress about anything else.”

  He moved her so that they were both sitting on the edge of his bed.

  “This is nice,” she said, smiling.

  “I like comfort.”

  “Me too.” She tucked some hair behind her ear.

  “I want you to tell me about your first time?”

  “I’m a virgin, Edward. That wasn’t a lie.”

  He pressed his lips against hers, smiling. “No. I know you’ve not been with anyone else. I want to know about your first time. When you cut, how you cut, why you did it?”

  She licked her lips, and tears filled her eyes. “Please.”

  “I need to know.” He reached out, pushing some of her hair off her face. She had removed the band, and the locks cascaded around her face. “You don’t have to be ashamed, or upset. I’m not going to chain you up, not to stop you doing something. We’re not talking play here. This is about what you did. That was my fuck up. I swear I’ll never do anything like that again, unless we’re playing together.”

  He watched as she stared past his shoulder, and her face went pale.

  “I, erm…” Tears fell down her cheeks, and he wiped them away.

  “There’s no punishment here. I only want to understand what is going on.”

  She nodded and wiped away some of her tears even as more fell down her cheeks. “I was thirteen. It’s so strange because there are times and dates I don’t even remember, but that day, I’ll never forget it.” She paused, and he watched as she took a deep breath. He held her hands.

  This day, whichever day it was, had changed the woman in front of him. At thirteen years old, she had cut, and found something, and had continued to do it until she was twenty-five years old.

  “Sophie was born, and there’s six years between us. She was … seven.” She closed her eyes for a second and frowned. “Mom and Dad had been out partying the whole week. I hadn’t seen or heard from them. The upside, the trailer was spotless. I cleaned it every single day. We ran out of food on the Thursday, and I didn’t know what to do. Erm, Sophie, she has never had a filter. I always knew to keep my mouth shut, you know, not tell anyone that I would be alone for days at a time. Usually there was enough food to go around. This time there wasn’t, and erm, Sophie was doing some afterschool activity. I think it was a book club. I knew from a young age she would go to college, and be someone special.” She opened her eyes, and smiled at him. “She always made me so proud. Picked things up easily.” She licked her lips. “So the school put a call through to family services, and within a week, life nearly went to shit. The lady who came to Cape Falls was from the city as there’s not one here. With the city not too far away, there wasn’t a need for one.”

 
Edward saw the emotion and the fear in her eyes. This was hurting her to talk to him. He held her hands, trying to give her as much comfort as was possible with the touch of his hands.

  “Mom and Dad were investigated, and after the lady went away deeming us more than suitable, my parents showed that they provided us with a roof over our heads, food, and we went to school, barely missed much time. We didn’t have bruises of any kind, and they never hurt us. Why would they take us away from parents that were fine? The town of Cape Falls, they don’t like strangers coming in either, and they backed my parents. When she left, my parents, they just … they were so angry, and so disappointed in me. They told me I should have kept Sophie’s mouth shut, that if I needed food then I was to go to the store. They just kept yelling, and ranting, and raving, and everything was just building up, and I didn’t know what to do. What to think, and finally they stormed out of the trailer to go and pick up Sophie because I was so useless. I wouldn’t amount to anything, and I was alone.” Tears were streaming down her face now. “I had a math kit on the table, and I’d been doing circles, and shapes, and stuff.” She paused, and stared off into the distance. “I was so angry, so tired, and so … guilty. Sophie was my responsibility. I should have dealt with her, and I shouldn’t have let her go to school. I couldn’t control what I did. I grabbed the compass. You know the one where you insert the pencil, and has a sharp pointy end?”

  “I know which one.”

  “I picked it up, and I slammed it into my thigh. It was just … I don’t know why I did it, only that I couldn’t stop myself. I wore some faded jeans, and the fabric kind of got in the way, but I felt the pain as it dug against the skin, and I pressed it in even further until I finally pierced the skin. The moment the skin broke, I stopped.” She took in a breath. “I was able to breathe, I was able to think more clearly, and to understand what the hell had happened. I can’t even begin to describe how … freeing it was. I was finally free. They couldn’t control that, nor could they take it away from me.”

  “Sophie never knew?”

  “She still doesn’t know. For a long time, a couple of months, I didn’t do anything. It was like my secret, you know. It was nice to have a secret, and then it started to build up, and the compass, it just didn’t work like it did the last time. Dad had these old fashioned like cut throat razors. He liked to have a really close shave. I was in our tiny bathroom, and he had left them out. So many of them. I don’t even remember thinking anything. I picked one up, and stared at the blade, and it was like actions where I was watching outside of myself. I didn’t have any control at all. I was just the vessel for what I wanted to happen. That blade, I kept, and I put the others away so Sophie wouldn’t hurt herself.”

  “You’ve been using blades ever since?” he asked.

  “Yes.”

  He reached out to wipe away the tears. The pain in her eyes was so acute, so deep, and so scary to look at. She was a twenty-five year old woman who should be out having the time of her life. Instead, she had been forced to raise a child that she didn’t even have. That was a lot to put on a child, a baby. “Can I ask you a question?” he asked.

  “Yes.”

  “Do you want to die?”

  “No. I don’t.”

  “Good. We can do this. I think I can help you. If you want my help.”

  “Yes, I do.”

  ****

  One week later

  “Are all submissives the same?” Isabel asked, watching as Peter cleaned down one of the playrooms at Control.

  “How do you mean?”

  “Do they all know they want a Master? Do they all have problems that need to be dealt with?” Edward was off with William right now, and she had to talk to Peter for all the information she wanted. She sat on the spanking bench, legs swinging back and forth. The playrooms were fun places to be, especially when no one else was in there. She was able to look around and explore without fear of being told off.

  “Why are you constantly asking me?” he asked.

  “You’re closer to my age, and you don’t seem as grumpy as the other men. They all look fierce, and you look kind of fun.” She smiled at him. “Is it okay for me to ask you? Edward said if I had any questions I could ask.”

  “Have you and he done anything at all?” Peter asked.

  “How do you mean?”

  “In the playroom, explored?”

  “Nope. We’re taking it easy.” Edward was also waiting for certain wounds to heal. Isabel couldn’t remember a time when she had been that impatient for a cut to heal, but it was taking its time.

  Ever since she had confessed that first time, and the time after that, she felt free. Like it didn’t matter what else happened to her. Someone understood, and didn’t see her as a freak.

  “Are you sure this is the life you want? To be at Control, and to help other submissives as well as yourself?” Peter asked.

  “Edward told me that it’s not a twenty-four/seven kind of gig that he wanted. He likes to play.”

  “And you want to play?”

  “I want to be what he needs,” she said. This was weird talking about her decisions with Peter. “Can we not talk about it?”

  “Fine. Personal stuff is not allowed.”

  “Do you like being a Dominant?” she asked. This was safer ground. So far at home nothing had changed. She and Edward shared time together, meals, and fun. They didn’t share a room, nor did they share their desires. Most nights she lay in bed thinking about him, wondering what he was doing, what he was thinking, and hoping that he was doing the same. She had touched herself though. Since he had taken her kit, and they had this agreement, her own pleasure felt wrong.

  To resist temptation, she hadn’t even watched any of the porn clips she loved so much. Instead, she focused on Control, on learning as much as she could.

  “Yes, I do. It relaxes me, and I know I bring a lot of pleasure by being who I am, especially to Rose.”

  She saw the smile on his lips as he spoke his wife’s name.

  “You love her, don’t you?” she asked.

  “Yeah, I do, with all of my heart. She is the reason I wake up every single night and breathe.”

  Overwhelming sadness swamped over Isabel. It was like a sudden thud taking her down. No one had ever loved her, or shown that kind of smile that was playing on Peter’s lips right that second.

  Staring down at the floor, Isabel had to wonder why anyone would want to love her. She was damaged. Look what she did to herself!

  “Hey, are you okay?” Peter asked.

  “Yeah, I’m fine. I’m just going to head out. I’m sorry to have bothered you.”

  She got to the door before he caught up to her, stopping her with a hand on her arm.

  “What’s wrong?” he asked. “You were fine, swinging your legs, and now you’re not.”

  “It’s fine. Honestly. I’m going to go and do some cleaning.” She left the room, needing some time alone.

  Running fingers through her hair, she took several deep breaths. Sadness was normal for her. She was used to feeling sad. What she wasn’t used to was being around people who clearly loved, and loved with their whole heart. Grabbing the cleaning equipment from the supply closet, she went out to the main dance hall that served as a nightclub rather than a BDSM club.

  There were several people milling around, and she ignored them. Taking out the mop, she lined up her supplies, and filled the bucket with hot water and disinfectant. The pine fragrance soothed her. When times were bad at the trailer she’d found cheap pine disinfectant helped all ills, even sadness. She would clean the trailer from top to bottom before Sophie got home just so her sister could come into a lovely, clean smelling home.

  She loved her sister so much.

  Moving back to her space, she placed the mop inside the bucket, swirling it about before pressing it against the sieve like thing that she never had any idea what it was called, wringing out the excess water. She got to work on cleaning the floor.

>   People came and went as she mopped the floor, and then dried each space that she cleaned, refreshing the water and the towel so that there was no chance of smears. In a few short hours it wouldn’t matter. People would mingle, dance, and drip all manner of things onto that floor, but at least it was clean.

  When she had placed the mop and bucket back into the cleaning cupboard, her phone started to ring.

  Frowning, she pulled it out of her jeans pocket to find Sophie calling.

  Answering the phone, she smiled. “Hello, sister,” she said.

  “Hello, stranger. I’ve not heard from you in so long. Where have you been?”

  Heading outside into the fresh air, she chuckled. “It has been a week.”

  “A very long and lonely week. Has Edward kept you busy?”

  “Not really. I’m working at the club. You know the one that caused a lot of problems.”

  “Control?”

  “Yep.”

  “Why?” Sophie asked.

  “I wanted to. It’s fun, and I like the people that are here.” They made her realize more than ever that she had no one. Swallowing down the lump, she changed the conversation. “What about you?”

  “Don’t you think about me, sweetie. You and I both know that I’m fine. College is going great, more than great. I may have met someone as well. He’s a sweetie, and I can’t wait for you and Edward to meet him. Anyway, what about school work? I thought you were doing the online college thing. You didn’t want to come away with me.”

  She could see her sister pouting. “You and I both know that I’m not cut out for higher education.”

  Sophie growled. “I’m getting tired of you always putting yourself down.”

  “I’m not the smart one.” No, I’m the stupid one.

  “You are smart. You helped me all those years, Isabel. You could do and be whatever you wanted.”

  Sitting down on the steps around the back of the club near the kitchen, she looked across the vast array of woodland. When Control first opened up, it had been all the town could complain about. No one liked William, the owner, and they also didn’t like the fact he didn’t give a shit about what any of them thought. Even though she hadn’t met him, she had admired his courage to do whatever the hell he wanted, and be damned with the consequences.